Mood: frantic... ish
Thinking about: the concept of fear, and what justifies the emotion
Is fear ever reasonable? I mean, think about it. Most psychiatrists or psychologists tell people to conquer fear, to free themselves from it, so is it ever alright to be afraid? Isn't just a basic human emotion? Why then should we try to overcome it? I know fear is considered normal, but constant fear is considered weak, or thin-skinned. When is it alright to be afraid?
I was hit with a wave of emotion today, it sort of knocked me off balance, and set me into the speed-talking, nervous Danielle trying not to show the confusion taking place in her head. (It never really works very well, I am pretty transparent.) I was fine for most of the day, but then I just started thinking about taking shots in my stomach everynight for a month, and having tubes come out of me, and not being able to touch my toes, and no more dancing around, and a wheelchair... It scared me. All the little things added up and got in my head, making me scared.
When I was talking to Virginia, my friend, today, I almost started crying. That would've been the first time I have cried in front of my friends about the surgery. I held it back, because I wanted to be strong, but then, what is strength in this situation? Is strength knowing when to let your fear be known and be weak for a moment? Is strength bearing the weight of the situation all on your own? Or is that just stupid? Yes, it's stupid, and it's not the case at all. I feel like I have too much put on my plate at the moment, or, as my Pappap would say "Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag."
"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself... Always fight until you can't anymore, and then be fought for."-Sex and the City
Oh, pop culture.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
9 Days
Mood: nervous
Thinking about: prayer and single digits
Last night I went to a party for a bit, which was really fun. I havn't gone to a party in so long, I was a bit overwhelmed with the amount of everything. Oh well, twas enjoyable. P.S. Vicki is, in fact, very good at pool. She is also an excellent liar about her abilities. P.S.S. I have never met a more ruthless cheerleader than Tyler. Beware.
Today I went to the 8:00 service at Mt. Pisgah, which I will now say was a mistake. The pastor has lost contact with me but doesn't realize it, so when my parents briliantly decided to fill him in on my surgery, he made an instant prayer bubble around me. (InstaPrayer! also available at your local WalMart, side effects may include halo shaped rashes and increased guilt.) I really didn't enjoy the impromptu prayer session. I had just walked up to him, to say "Hello!" and had about 7 people touch my shoulder or head to pray. First of all, too much contact. I didn't even know some of the people. Secondly, he had just found out about the surgery, and didn't even ask if he could initiate a prayer bubble. He should've talked to me about my sentiments first.
But I can't really be upset with him, because it was my parents who wisely decided to let him know about it. I don't like this surgery being paraded around to people. And if it has to be mentioned, you don't go into serious detail, unless the person is highly trusted, or a blood relative. My parents were mentioning every single detail. Of course, now when he looks at me, he has a look of fear like I am going to die. UGH stupid stupid stupid decision to tell him without me being there to make sure he didn't take it too seriously. x.x
I fell down again today after church, I had lost my balance in my right leg while climbing the stairs. Probably more from clutziness than leg though.
Hmmm I can't find a quote I like tonight...
Thinking about: prayer and single digits
Last night I went to a party for a bit, which was really fun. I havn't gone to a party in so long, I was a bit overwhelmed with the amount of everything. Oh well, twas enjoyable. P.S. Vicki is, in fact, very good at pool. She is also an excellent liar about her abilities. P.S.S. I have never met a more ruthless cheerleader than Tyler. Beware.
Today I went to the 8:00 service at Mt. Pisgah, which I will now say was a mistake. The pastor has lost contact with me but doesn't realize it, so when my parents briliantly decided to fill him in on my surgery, he made an instant prayer bubble around me. (InstaPrayer! also available at your local WalMart, side effects may include halo shaped rashes and increased guilt.) I really didn't enjoy the impromptu prayer session. I had just walked up to him, to say "Hello!" and had about 7 people touch my shoulder or head to pray. First of all, too much contact. I didn't even know some of the people. Secondly, he had just found out about the surgery, and didn't even ask if he could initiate a prayer bubble. He should've talked to me about my sentiments first.
But I can't really be upset with him, because it was my parents who wisely decided to let him know about it. I don't like this surgery being paraded around to people. And if it has to be mentioned, you don't go into serious detail, unless the person is highly trusted, or a blood relative. My parents were mentioning every single detail. Of course, now when he looks at me, he has a look of fear like I am going to die. UGH stupid stupid stupid decision to tell him without me being there to make sure he didn't take it too seriously. x.x
I fell down again today after church, I had lost my balance in my right leg while climbing the stairs. Probably more from clutziness than leg though.
Hmmm I can't find a quote I like tonight...
Saturday, December 8, 2007
10 Days
Mood: Thoughtful.
Thinking about: A lot of random things.
Today was the first day I actually did everything the Physical Therapist told me to do. It felt pretty good to work out, I turned on my angry music and cranked out around 60 sit-ups, did a lot of arm stuff, and then did more sit-ups. I like that sore feeling you get after you work out. It's proof that muscles are actually doing something. Plus, it's awesome to see a muscle bulge when you flex. Gah, I was geeking out at how massive my arms have gotten. I usually only do arm stuff, and it's toned me up pretty well. I hope its enough to make the transition to a wheelchair an easy one.
I went to an orchestra rehearsal today where I sat down for around 3 hours. That started to bother my hip and lower back because I couldn't really shift around to a comfortable position, so I awkwardly had to pop some tylenol in front of the other violinists and then Mr. Geary (the director) just looks down at me like "wtf mates, whatchu doin?" Aaaaawkward. After that I talked to Eva for a bit, which is refreshing. We have similar goofy brains, so she is a must have for hospital visits. :)
Eva and I talked my surgery and I confided in her that I always feel like I am whining when I tell people about my surgery. She told me that I have a right to whine about it. Even though people are dying of AIDS and cancers, this is new to my life and something unlike anything I have done before. It's a big deal and I shouldn't feel like telling my fears is whining. It was nice to hear that, but I still find it a little hard to notice the difference between fear and whining.
It's scarey to think about ten days time. I was dancing around my room (I'll admit it, I think it's the cats meow) and I realized in two weeks I would be lucky to sit up on my own, nevermind dancing around to Thriller. Just little things like that are eating away at my hope, and are making it hard to focus on the positives. It's going to be okay though. I know it will be.
"Each time we face our fear we gain strength, courage and confidence."
Thinking about: A lot of random things.
Today was the first day I actually did everything the Physical Therapist told me to do. It felt pretty good to work out, I turned on my angry music and cranked out around 60 sit-ups, did a lot of arm stuff, and then did more sit-ups. I like that sore feeling you get after you work out. It's proof that muscles are actually doing something. Plus, it's awesome to see a muscle bulge when you flex. Gah, I was geeking out at how massive my arms have gotten. I usually only do arm stuff, and it's toned me up pretty well. I hope its enough to make the transition to a wheelchair an easy one.
I went to an orchestra rehearsal today where I sat down for around 3 hours. That started to bother my hip and lower back because I couldn't really shift around to a comfortable position, so I awkwardly had to pop some tylenol in front of the other violinists and then Mr. Geary (the director) just looks down at me like "wtf mates, whatchu doin?" Aaaaawkward. After that I talked to Eva for a bit, which is refreshing. We have similar goofy brains, so she is a must have for hospital visits. :)
Eva and I talked my surgery and I confided in her that I always feel like I am whining when I tell people about my surgery. She told me that I have a right to whine about it. Even though people are dying of AIDS and cancers, this is new to my life and something unlike anything I have done before. It's a big deal and I shouldn't feel like telling my fears is whining. It was nice to hear that, but I still find it a little hard to notice the difference between fear and whining.
It's scarey to think about ten days time. I was dancing around my room (I'll admit it, I think it's the cats meow) and I realized in two weeks I would be lucky to sit up on my own, nevermind dancing around to Thriller. Just little things like that are eating away at my hope, and are making it hard to focus on the positives. It's going to be okay though. I know it will be.
"Each time we face our fear we gain strength, courage and confidence."
Friday, December 7, 2007
11 Days
Mood: excited (not about surgery, about tonight :))
Thinking about: doughnuts.. mmmm....
Today Mr. Kim, the orchestra conductor at my high school, blew a major fuse. He is upset with the orchestra because we are being less of an ensemble than we have been in previous years. Honestly, I agree with his long term goals. The only part of his theory (haha music pun) that I have a problem with is how he is handling it short term. The last thing I need to do right now is write two two page papers (single spaced... eww) about composers. I understand the importance, but I don't see how it will make the orchestra play together. And I don't see how it is going to decrease end of year stress levels. It's just not the smartest plan.
I went to the hospital today after school to get a blood workup done. I got another sweet wristband and walked around the area that I would be staying in. I didn't get warm fuzzies, it was rather the opposite emotion. I felt truly scared for the first time. I mean, I didn't shake or start to cry, but the whole ordeal started to sink in. It felt like my stomach was forced into a cold metal box. It could still work, but I felt an internal discomfort. Maybe it was just an inconvenient bout of indigestion. Here's hoping!
The nurses were so great, I love them all. I never learn their names though, which is a shame because they are always wonderful to me. The receptionists on the other hand, they are buttheads. I have no bad feelings when I say that. The lady at the front desk gave me the wrong papers. And by wrong papers, I mean some other womans, which had her social security number and other personal information on it. Thats a huge mistake and irked me. That woman in no way reflects the performance of the hospital, but it was still a noticable error. Then when I got to the phlebology section, the lady there was a butthead too! I was shocked. Did she not see that I was nervous enough? I needed at least a kind smile or a please. She barked directions at me, and then gave a short laugh when I dropped the pen. Ugh, some people.
You know what? I think the receptionists and Mr. Kim should go on a date.
"Once we accept our limits we go beyond them." -Albert Einstein
Thinking about: doughnuts.. mmmm....
Today Mr. Kim, the orchestra conductor at my high school, blew a major fuse. He is upset with the orchestra because we are being less of an ensemble than we have been in previous years. Honestly, I agree with his long term goals. The only part of his theory (haha music pun) that I have a problem with is how he is handling it short term. The last thing I need to do right now is write two two page papers (single spaced... eww) about composers. I understand the importance, but I don't see how it will make the orchestra play together. And I don't see how it is going to decrease end of year stress levels. It's just not the smartest plan.
I went to the hospital today after school to get a blood workup done. I got another sweet wristband and walked around the area that I would be staying in. I didn't get warm fuzzies, it was rather the opposite emotion. I felt truly scared for the first time. I mean, I didn't shake or start to cry, but the whole ordeal started to sink in. It felt like my stomach was forced into a cold metal box. It could still work, but I felt an internal discomfort. Maybe it was just an inconvenient bout of indigestion. Here's hoping!
The nurses were so great, I love them all. I never learn their names though, which is a shame because they are always wonderful to me. The receptionists on the other hand, they are buttheads. I have no bad feelings when I say that. The lady at the front desk gave me the wrong papers. And by wrong papers, I mean some other womans, which had her social security number and other personal information on it. Thats a huge mistake and irked me. That woman in no way reflects the performance of the hospital, but it was still a noticable error. Then when I got to the phlebology section, the lady there was a butthead too! I was shocked. Did she not see that I was nervous enough? I needed at least a kind smile or a please. She barked directions at me, and then gave a short laugh when I dropped the pen. Ugh, some people.
You know what? I think the receptionists and Mr. Kim should go on a date.
"Once we accept our limits we go beyond them." -Albert Einstein
Thursday, December 6, 2007
1 Week, 5 Days
Mood: Irritated.
Thinking about: Tylenol.
Today was rather uneventful, I didn't own my anatomy quiz like I thought I would because I confused lacunae with canaliculi in a moment of weakness, and forgot my song to remember the parts of an osteon. Frustration consumed my tired brain. I managed to get a stellar 2/14 on Wordmasters, which is always a day-maker. At the end of the school day I went to Moes with Virginia, which was glorious as usual. We get silly conversations and talk about breaking my sweet tea addiction (psh, whatever...)
I came home and my grandma responded to my letter, which always brightens my day. We discuss books and talk about the day-to-day happenings of our lives. She lives in Detroit, so I hardly ever see her, which makes her letters extra special.
On another note, my hip felt sore and achey today, which was no fun because I had to walk around a school all day. That, plus a headache made me quite sad. I guess I should learn how to stop complaining about the little things. After all, something much bigger is coming on fast and I need to learn how to forget the little things. I can't believe my surgery is already tapping at my chamber door. Damn raven, just let me be.
"Strength does not come from physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will." - Gandhi
Thinking about: Tylenol.
Today was rather uneventful, I didn't own my anatomy quiz like I thought I would because I confused lacunae with canaliculi in a moment of weakness, and forgot my song to remember the parts of an osteon. Frustration consumed my tired brain. I managed to get a stellar 2/14 on Wordmasters, which is always a day-maker. At the end of the school day I went to Moes with Virginia, which was glorious as usual. We get silly conversations and talk about breaking my sweet tea addiction (psh, whatever...)
I came home and my grandma responded to my letter, which always brightens my day. We discuss books and talk about the day-to-day happenings of our lives. She lives in Detroit, so I hardly ever see her, which makes her letters extra special.
On another note, my hip felt sore and achey today, which was no fun because I had to walk around a school all day. That, plus a headache made me quite sad. I guess I should learn how to stop complaining about the little things. After all, something much bigger is coming on fast and I need to learn how to forget the little things. I can't believe my surgery is already tapping at my chamber door. Damn raven, just let me be.
"Strength does not come from physical capacity, it comes from an indomitable will." - Gandhi
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Progress Thus Far...
I'll keep it short and sweet. Well, not so sweet... I don't think any of this is sweet. It's sour and nasty and yucky. Bleh.
Yesterday I got up in the wee hours of the morning to attend a 'crutches training session' at my Physical Therapists... good times right? Wrong. I don't like crutches. I got a shin splint in my left leg and started feeling the dysplasia in my left hip. (Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I have two dysplastic hips.. woo!) Now I know how to enter and exit cars, climb stairs, turn around, go backwards, balance... etc. I also got a new workout routine. Huzzah!
So in the corner of my room next to my shiny new crutches there is a grabber (like those cool ones from the Discovery store with shark heads for the grabbing part, but not as cool because it's for grown-ups. Ugh.) and there is also a long armed scrubber thing for the bath. I feel like a cripple already. (Again it is mature blue and white. I need a scrubber with some pizzazz! Come on, seriously.)
Teachers have set up desks for me in their rooms for when I am in a wheelchair, and I have extra sets of text books so I don't have to worry about having a top locker. (Props to my school counselor, she is amazing for helping me this much.)
Quote to ponder: "Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu
Yesterday I got up in the wee hours of the morning to attend a 'crutches training session' at my Physical Therapists... good times right? Wrong. I don't like crutches. I got a shin splint in my left leg and started feeling the dysplasia in my left hip. (Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I have two dysplastic hips.. woo!) Now I know how to enter and exit cars, climb stairs, turn around, go backwards, balance... etc. I also got a new workout routine. Huzzah!
So in the corner of my room next to my shiny new crutches there is a grabber (like those cool ones from the Discovery store with shark heads for the grabbing part, but not as cool because it's for grown-ups. Ugh.) and there is also a long armed scrubber thing for the bath. I feel like a cripple already. (Again it is mature blue and white. I need a scrubber with some pizzazz! Come on, seriously.)
Teachers have set up desks for me in their rooms for when I am in a wheelchair, and I have extra sets of text books so I don't have to worry about having a top locker. (Props to my school counselor, she is amazing for helping me this much.)
Quote to ponder: "Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." -Lao Tzu
1 Week, 6 Days.
Mood: Content.
Thinking about: Anatomy quiz tomorrow... yikes!
This is my first post on what will hopefully be a consistent update on my progress. I hope I keep up with this, and don't lose quickly lose interest like I usually do. Oh, my silly teenage brain.. fickle as ever. I suppose since the surgery hasn't taken place yet I should articulate the details.
Quick and Easy Overview:
My surgery is called a periacetabular osteotomy. (periacetabular- around the hip socket; osteotomy- to cut through or around bone) The reason I have the pleasure of enduring this is because my right hip has acetabular dysplasia. (my socket is shaped like a plate, not a bowl.) The procedure will take approx. 5 hours and I will be in the hospital for 5 days, God willing.
(If you're interested in learning more about this, I found this website, its pretty nifty: http://hipandpelvis.com/patient_education/periace/page1.html)
The procedure is on the 18th, the second day of Winter finals. (Eww..) Most of my teachers have been very understanding about me missing school for this surgery, but I am still mad that they won't let me take some exams early. I will be finished with my Anatomy and Calculus finals, but I will be missing AP Bio, Orchestra, and AP Lit. (For personal fitness I have to write a 3-5 page paper on cardiovascular diseases, while the rest of the class gets to run a mile and do an open notes test. Unfair? I think yes.) AP Bio is going to be the most challenging, because there is no way I will be able to retain a semester of information while struggling to sit up.
Some of you may say, "Hey, that Danielle girl is being a drama-mama." Yes, I very well may be. But as of now my outlook on this surgery is grim. And do you think it sounds fun to be two weeks out of surgery and have to take a 2 hour exam? NO! It sounds like negative fun. Backwards fun. Nuf! I think that's symbolic of my sentiments for the matter. I've had eNUF!
TTFN, Ta ta for now.
Danielle
Thinking about: Anatomy quiz tomorrow... yikes!
This is my first post on what will hopefully be a consistent update on my progress. I hope I keep up with this, and don't lose quickly lose interest like I usually do. Oh, my silly teenage brain.. fickle as ever. I suppose since the surgery hasn't taken place yet I should articulate the details.
Quick and Easy Overview:
My surgery is called a periacetabular osteotomy. (periacetabular- around the hip socket; osteotomy- to cut through or around bone) The reason I have the pleasure of enduring this is because my right hip has acetabular dysplasia. (my socket is shaped like a plate, not a bowl.) The procedure will take approx. 5 hours and I will be in the hospital for 5 days, God willing.
(If you're interested in learning more about this, I found this website, its pretty nifty: http://hipandpelvis.com/patient_education/periace/page1.html)
The procedure is on the 18th, the second day of Winter finals. (Eww..) Most of my teachers have been very understanding about me missing school for this surgery, but I am still mad that they won't let me take some exams early. I will be finished with my Anatomy and Calculus finals, but I will be missing AP Bio, Orchestra, and AP Lit. (For personal fitness I have to write a 3-5 page paper on cardiovascular diseases, while the rest of the class gets to run a mile and do an open notes test. Unfair? I think yes.) AP Bio is going to be the most challenging, because there is no way I will be able to retain a semester of information while struggling to sit up.
Some of you may say, "Hey, that Danielle girl is being a drama-mama." Yes, I very well may be. But as of now my outlook on this surgery is grim. And do you think it sounds fun to be two weeks out of surgery and have to take a 2 hour exam? NO! It sounds like negative fun. Backwards fun. Nuf! I think that's symbolic of my sentiments for the matter. I've had eNUF!
TTFN, Ta ta for now.
Danielle
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